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One Wife's Perspective on Cross-Dressing

We Had to Find Our Own Way

by Joan Stone
Article appeared in Polare magazine: February 2001 Last Update: October 2013 Last Reviewed: September 2015

Overall, I have come to enjoy Lucy ...

Cross-dressers are truly special people, and I hope someday every wife and significant other will come to understand this.

When my husband first told me about his need to cross-dress my first reaction was, "Just leave my things alone". That was all I ever hoped to hear on the subject. I never expected it to become such a major factor in our lives. However, since we had no one in whom we could confide, we had to rely only on each other.

Needless to say, we had years of discussion where we went round and round in circles. But never did I say he could not cross-dress, and when I saw him, it bothered me that he didn't always look his best. So, as money and time permitted, we began getting Lucy shaped up.

During the beginning years, because there was very little information on the subject, and I kept trying to put my head in the sand hoping it would go away. I realised this was one issue that was not going away, and our discussion became a two way street.

I don't ever remember not being willing to discuss the subject. I just got tired of not having substantive answers. We had to find our own way, and it took a lot of years to find our comfort zone.

Even today, when I am tired, hungry or just suffering emotional tiredness and Lucy wants to emerge, my reaction will be "No". However, give me a little time or rest or eat and my whole perspective will change, and I will be a lot more receptive. As Don says, it is a matter of timing, and neither of us always gets it right.

Overall, I have come to enjoy Lucy, even if at times I wish we didn't have to deal with issues related to cross-dressing. But if there were a pill he could take to make it go away, I would not want him to take it, because it would mean a change in his personality, and I don't think I would like the person who would be left.

I really wish every wife and significant other, could become more open about cross-dressing issues with her cross-dresser, but I also understand that does not always happen. I can only suggest to cross-dressers, be open and above board and show your wife or significant other by example, that your cross-dressing is not a threat to her.

Find ways to make her realise that she is the number on female in your life. I know sometimes it is hard for a wife to understand, because she feels she should be the only female present in her husband's life. But we married most sensitive men, and without that sensitivity and understanding, we would not love you so much.

Cross-dressers are truly special people, and I hope someday every wife and significant other will come to understand this.

Polare Magazine is published quarterly in Australia by The Gender Centre Inc. which is funded by the Department of Family & Community Services under the S.A.A.P. program and supported by the N.S.W. Health Department through the AIDS and Infectious Diseases Branch. Polare provides a forum for discussion and debate on gender issues. Unsolicited contributions are welcome, the editor reserves the right to edit such contributions without notification. Any submission which appears in Polare may be published on our internet site. Opinions expressed in this publication do not necessarily reflect those of the Editor, The Gender Centre Inc., the Department of Family & Community Services or the N.S.W. Department of Health.

The Gender Centre is committed to developing and providing services and activities, which enhance the ability of people with gender issues to make informed choices. We offer a wide range of services to people with gender issues, their partners, family members and friends in New South Wales. We are an accommodation service and also act as an education, support, training and referral resource centre to other organisations and service providers. The Gender Centre is committed to educating the public and service providers about the needs of people with gender issues. We specifically aim to provide a high quality service, which acknowledges human rights and ensures respect and confidentiality.

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