Counsellor's Column

Gaye Stubbs

(The Gender Centre advise that this article may not be current and as such certain content, including but not limited to persons, contact details and dates may not apply. Where legal authority or medical related matters are cited, responsibility lies with the reader to obtain the most current relevant legal authority and/or medical publication.)

In your reading of Polare, I hope you appreciate the writing and views of those generous individuals who have enriched the magazine's pages. Through the writing of an article or the participation in a workshop, these people share their experiences, creativity, and views on life with you. Not everyone is able easily to give voice to their thoughts and experiences, or is in a position to do so; the writing of others may provide solace for the quiet reader, a connection, or even a lifeline. Conversely, if a reader doesn't share the opinion of a particular writer, it can be beneficial in defining one's own views and even lead to healthy debate - and hopefully not to derision and harassment as sadly sometimes occurs in a war of words and world views.

Speaking of words, I thought I'd give you some, "from A to Z" - pertinent words arising from concerns and experience that people have brought to counselling, exploration of, and observations made. The words are listed with an explanation or comment following. If you think more should be added or have a response to those included in the list, let me know.

Accommodation; anxiety; attitude: Having a place which is affordable, comfortable and secure is a common concern; anxiety experienced can be in relation to a lack of suitable housing as well as about functioning in society; attitudes to life vary greatly - this may seem obvious, but warrants a mention - for instance, one person may feel that people are generally accepting whereas another person may act more reservedly or warily, with the attitude that people are judgemental.

Behaviour; body; brain: At times it's necessary to explore certain behaviours - change might be required; body image, experience of, connection or disconnection with - whether liked or not, it gets a person around; laments expressed with the meaning of "If only the brain could work out how it works!" Ponderings about whether the brain is or isn't conclusive."

Change; competing objectives; comparisons; compromise; courage: Thinking about how to, when to, whether or not to, bring about change. Sometimes change occurs out of necessity; when the objectives of others are at odds with one's own objective or when a person has objectives which are at odds, creating confusion and even anguish for instance, a person's competing objectives may be "I want things to stay the same."! "I want to change my situation."; considering whether or not compromise is possible; seeing and judging oneself in relation to others - sometimes beneficial, sometimes not; it can take courage to bring about change as it can take courage to decide to keep things the same.

Depression; disclosure; documents; dreams; drugs: Sadness, bleakness, a blanket of heaviness can sometimes be alleviated by talking to a trusted person about what has been kept long hidden from others and by getting help from organisations, clinics, therapists, medical practitioners; when, how to, what to say to another or others about one's hidden self takes up a lot of thinking time but working it out to suit one's situation is a process - it takes time; dealing with documents is to do with the practicalities of life and is also closely connected to the question of disclosure; time can be spent daydreaming about a dream - a person may seek assistance in trying to work out if a dream should remain a dream; if help is needed to deal with what has become a problem, ask for it.

Emotions; expectations; experience: The unexpected expression of emotion can arise when contemplating change and/or dealing with hidden parts of the self; what a person hopes or believes will occur may or may not be realistic - checking out the basis for these expectations can prove useful; what has been experienced and learnt from the past can be viewed in relation to present situations and planning for the future.

Family, friends: Concerns about, connections with, responsibility for significant people in one's life, often come up in conversation.

Guilt: It has its place and purpose but can be misguided and crippling.

Happiness; health; hormones; humour: Wanting to find it; good health is no doubt helpful in dealing with life's hiccups and changing circumstances; hormones promote life and humans have to have them but how medically to deal with unwanted ones or a lack of particular ones is a question for endocrinologists; having a laugh helps.

Identification: To do with finding one's own words to define oneself and obtaining documents which attest to one's identity.

Judgement: "What will others think of me? Will I be accepted?" is a concern expressed.

Knowledge: Concern or worry about making a mistake or regretting a course of action can be alleviated by being informed. Having knowledge of oneself is useful in dealing with difficult situations and unexpected outcomes.

Likes, Leisure: From reading to mountain climbing, interests keep people engaged in life.

Money: Most people need to be mindful of money in terms of personal goals and plans. Planning in relation to the amount needed and the amount one has of it.

Normal: People sometimes express a need to feel normal when everything seems so uncertain. Maintaining a routine and/or meeting with like-minded people may offer some stability until one's feet are on firmer ground.

Occupation: As leisure activities contribute to one's well being, so too can an occupation. Needless to say, it is often a necessity. Working out how to tell an employer about a transition involves thinking about the individual workplace.

Pets; physical: Pets, people say, give them comfort, friendship and a sense of belonging; physical activities, whether walking or sailing, involve people in life and can lift a heavy mood.

Questioning: Many questions are asked in search of reasons and understanding, in order to make sense of things and move forward.

Relationships: Working them out, worrying about losing them, worrying how to form new ones, losing some gaining others, managing to keep them.

Sexuality; shame; support: Self-esteem is linked to this aspect of oneself and the human experience of it varies from person to person; experiencing extreme discomfort with, or disapproval of, oneself in relation to others - individuals or society as a whole; support, from social support to support groups and support organisations, is available - the first step can be as easy as the click on a "mouse" to the pressing of buttons on a phone to connect with others.

Tears; toilets: While many are used to shedding a lot of tears, others are not and may feel exposed or that self control has been lost. As laughter can help deal with life's difficulties, so too can crying; such a basic facility can be the focus of a lot of worrying - working out which one to use.

Undergarments: Hidden under outer clothing, representing the hidden self. Like and dislikes and the practicalities of the wearing of and purchase of items of clothing can take up a significant portion of a person's time.

Values: Working out what one values most in life and if one's values conflict with actions planned or taken and what to do if there is a clash.

Why: Why? Wondering how this came to be, what it's all about. Trying to work through confusion to clarity.

X and Y: Having at least one of the above in the chromosome couplet but wanting the pairing to be different. Wondering if the pairing is other than what it seems and if there is in fact more than two in the relationship.

Zip; zzz: A lack of energy makes everything that much harder (a health check might be needed); a lack of sleep, sometimes due to worry, can make it all that much harder, A good night's zzz helps deal with the day.

Well, dear-reader, that's it for 2009. By the time you receive this, it will be almost Christmas - a merry time, a frantic time, a quiet time, a lonely time. Whether or not you believe in Santa and the spirit of Christmas, I send you warm wishes for this Old Yuletide and for the New Year.

Polare is published in Australia by The Gender Centre Inc. which is funded by the Department of Community Services under the S.A.A.P. Program and supported by the N.S.W. Health Department through the AIDS and Infectious Diseases Branch. Polare provides a forum for discussion and debate on gender issues. Advertisers are advised that all advertising is their responsibility under the Trade Practices Act. Unsolicited contributions are welcome, though no guarantee is made by the Editor that they will be published, nor any discussion entered into. The editor reserves the right to edit such contributions without notification. Any submission which appears in Polare may be published on our internet site. Opinions expressed in this publication do not necessarily reflect those of the Editor, The Gender Centre Inc.I, the Department of Community Services or the N.S.W. Department of Health.