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Polare 63 >> Article 7
A Crossdressing Perspective
by Lynne
Crossdressers in the community face many difficult situations in
their lifetime. Self-help organisations such as the Seahorse Society
aim to help members to deal with these situations as much as possible and encourage
crossdressers to celebrate their diversity. The types of problems
usually faced by our members are varied but usually fall into two broad categories:
- Relationship Problems - difficulties encountered when partners and
family become aware of the crossdresser's activities
- Personal well-being - Confusion about one's own identity and place in
society
I have collected below some of the issues, problems and experiences
that the Seahorse Society has witnessed over the years. It is largely
based on my experience as President of the Society for nearly five years in which
time I have dealt with hundreds of people in the transgendered
community including Seahorse members and prospective members, sister organisations and
other community groups, and also with the partners, family and friends
of transgendered people. Dealings have been in person, by correspondence or by
telephone.
While we often face difficult problems, it is important to understand
that many people are quite happy to be crossdressers and wouldn't want
to be any other way. Crossdressing is not a problem in itself; the problem is
generally related to the ability of a crossdresser or someone close to
them to deal with it. And their problems usually stem from their perception, real or
otherwise, that their activities are unacceptable to those around
them. Most people who come to terms with it can live very fulfilled lives and participate in the
community like anyone else if they choose to.
What is a Crossdresser?
Crossdressers are one group in the larger transgendered community.
Defining a crossdresser is difficult, because we do not fit into neat
categories. There is a broad spectrum of people with characteristics that qualify them
to be called crossdressers. In general it is true to say that a
crossdresser is a man who has an overwhelming urge to dress and act like a woman on
occasions. There is no proven reason to explain why a man would want
to do this but many theories exist. That is not something that will be explored for now.
Instead, we choose just to accept that reality and move on.
Is a Crossdresser the same as a Transvestite?
The answer is yes. Transvestite is a term coined from Latin: trans =
across, vestire = to dress.
Why just men?
All our current members were born male. It appears the service we
offer is more valuable to men because if a woman wants to crossdress,
and many do, then, generally, they don't need support. It is quite acceptable among most
of our community for a woman to wear male clothes and act in a
masculine manner. There is very little stigma associated to that these days. For a man to put
on a frock, high-heeled shoes and make-up, however, is much less usual
and to do this in public often draws unwanted reactions ranging from ridicule to
aggression.
How do crossdressers differ from other transgendered people?
This is a question subject to many opinions. In my opinion, the
difference is not great, but more a matter of the state of mind of the
individual at a point in time and how that person identifies him - or her- self. It is not
uncommon for members of the Seahorse Society to decide at some point
in their life to take their desire to dress and act like a woman further. They may
choose to live as a woman full time. Some go on to take female
hormones and alter their physical appearance with cosmetic procedures such as permanent hair
removal and surgery. Once someone has made the decision to live
full-time in the opposite gender role, one might then categorise this person as a
transsexual. (Transsexual is a medical term coined from Latin roots,
literally meaning "across sex".)
Some people see transsexuals as very different from crossdressers,
that there is some fundamental wiring in the brain that is different
and this may be true. Our experience, however, is that there is a broad spectrum of
existence. This ranges from men who gain sexual gratification from
touching or wearing female items of clothing such as shoes or underwear to exhibitionist
drag queens, to shy and closeted crossdressers to fulltime gender
re-assigned individuals and to any and every position in between and some more
that I can't think of at the moment. And this does not imply a
progression, a legitimacy or superiority of any position over another - people are different and
they can change. Long live diversity.
The experiences of a crossdresser
So, assuming a diverse community exists, crossdressers have diverse
backgrounds and indeed the membership of our club includes people from
all walks in life. But some themes keep reappearing. Lack of acceptance by family
and friends can result in many problems. Loneliness and isolation is a
common theme for young people and especially if they feel different from everyone else.
A young boy wishing to dress up like a girl, sneaking away with
clothes from his Mum or his sister and then trying them on privately will often feel a
great burden from having to keep his activity such a huge secret. He
will live with a fear of discovery and probably suffer from guilt because he is doing
something so wrong. Some members also report that they were forced to
dress up in girls' clothes by sisters or mothers and felt some shame associated with
this. He will also feel great shame if he is discovered and derided,
or worse cast out.
The isolation of a crossdresser will probably stay with him through
his teenage years when his sexual feelings awaken. This can be a
confusing period but for most the love of femininity will draw them into close
relationships with the opposite sex. Most of the crossdressers I have
spoken to are heterosexual. It appears that the need to crossdress is totally unrelated to sexual
preference. There are gay crossdressers, but they are usually happy to
express themselves in more open ways such as dressing up in drag for parties.
The majority of crossdressers do, however, grow up in heterosexual
roles and may marry and go on to have children.
While I have heard instances of crossdressers who have had drug,
alcohol or crime problems, the incidence does not seem any higher than
the norm. In fact it may be the opposite. Among our members we have many high achievers.
Many seem to be driven to achieve and prove themselves. Some
over-react to their feminine desires by choosing to engage in excessively macho pursuits
such as car racing or male-dominated jobs such as construction. It is
almost as if they are trying to deny to the world what they truly are inside. This just
makes things worse as if they are surrounded by people who are even
less likely to accept them, their overt manliness can make it harder to dress up and
pass as a woman. Some resign themselves to never being able to express
their true desires and others reach a point where they want to forget about the
opinions of others and "come out".
Relationships
A wife may be unaware of her husband's desires if he chooses to keep
his secret from her. But many men do confess to their wives or
partners and maybe also to their family and friends because they no longer want to be burdened
by the secrecy. So a man may keep his crossdressing secret, but if he
is in a close relationship with a woman it may not always be as secretive as he
thinks. Women are generally very observant and they will notice a hint
of perfume or left-over signs of make-up and especially extra items of female
clothing secreted around the house. Initially they may suspect that
their husband is having an affair, but sometimes they guess closer to the truth. An
interesting experience I have had on several occasions is a wife
phoning the Seahorse Society having discovered her husband's secret. Rather than confronting the
husband, they seek support. In one case the woman had done significant
research into the subject while the husband remained oblivious to the fact that his wife
suspected anything. There was a stalemate situation where both parties
were too scared to raise the matter in case of an adverse reaction by either
party. Although I normally hesitate to give any advice to people
regarding their relationships, I believe in these cases it is better to suggest that
communication commences.
However when a man asks me if he should tell his wife that he is a
crossdresser, I will not make a recommendation because it can go
different ways depending on the partner's own predisposition and also the manner in which the
subject is raised.
One partner I spoke to said that when her boyfriend confessed to her,
she was so happy, she danced around the room. Another said "I always
suspected it" and went on to have a fulfilling and understanding relationship. However
for every story of acceptance, there are just as many of rejection.
And there does appear to be a high rate of marriage breakdowns amongst crossdressers.
In cases where the partner does not offer total acceptance, a
compromise is often reached where rules are set to govern the
crossdresser's behaviour. For example, he may dress in front of his wife, but not in front of the
children, or he may be allowed out only once per week. Rules may vary
from highly restrictive to quite liberal depending on the wife's acceptance of the
situation.
And what about the children?
Many hours of sleep have been lost worrying about the effect a
crossdressing Dad may have on his children, especially to a son who
would see his Dad as a role model. In some cases this has turned out to be of little
consequence and the children once told, have accepted the situation
well and often very positively. In one case, a daughter having been warned that her father
was about to make a major announcement was expecting something
horrible like that he was about to go to jail for murder. She sensed the guilt and gravity
of the situation from the air around the parents as they prepared to
come out with it. She turned out to be relieved; "Is that all?" she said.
Some of our members are open with their children and some have brought
their children along to social events without any problems. Quite the
opposite, they often enjoy being at the occasion although daughters often feel the
need to smarten up and modernize their Dad's appearance.
Unfortunately, in other cases, children have reacted very negatively
and in some cases have totally divorced their fathers from their life
after the disclosure. Naturally, this can be devastating to the father and it
may heighten any sense of guilt he has for being who he is regardless
of the fact that it was not his choice to be that way.
Coming Out - A Turning Point
It is evident that the majority of crossdressers spend their life
closeted. For example, while the Seahorse Society has approximately
100 current members across NSW, only about half of these are active members. Moreover the
Internet groups indicate that there are perhaps ten times as many
crossdressers who are only prepared to come out in the relative anonymity of the web.
There are doubtless many more who don't come out at all.
The repressiveness of remaining closeted can last for many years. Some
don't emerge from this ever and others leave it later in life, often
not until their forties or fifties to come out. The "coming out" is an important
turning point because it represents a newfound freedom.
Who do you come out to?
Most crossdressers come out first to their partners. Others will
confide in family, friends or work colleagues. Women tend to be more
understanding than men although a common reaction from women is "Why on earth would you want
this life?" Not everyone will tolerate the fact, but most people do.
However there is a difference between tolerance and acceptance. While someone may
tolerate it and indeed defend your right to be who you are, it doesn't
mean they will like the idea and they may not be willing to explore the notion any further
than just knowing about it. The gay community tends to be quite
tolerant of crossdressers perhaps because of the fact that we are minority groups
who have had to deal with discrimination. However, while the level of
tolerance is higher, it is by no means universal. It's ironic that straight
crossdressers may be gay-bashed because they appear to be gay in the
eyes of many people.
Ultimately a crossdresser may choose to come out to the world and be
totally open about it In reality there is still enough reluctance by
the community to accept crossdressing that most choose to come out only to a select
audience avoiding conflicts with work, family, community or friends.
But to come out is normally a very positive experience. It is common
to hear a new member say "Why didn't I do this years ago?" It can be
like a heavy burden being taken from your mind or a light suddenly turning on. "I'm
not the only one in world like this." "It's not wrong and there is
nothing to be ashamed about" Going out dressed in public for the first time can be
"dream-like" How often do one's dreams come true, especially to an
individual who has lived with such a repressive secret?
Yet for all the crossdressers who reach this turning point in their
life, there are many more who never do and the act of not coming out
can be damaging to health and relationships. It is hard to imagine how much ill health,
despair, relationship breakdown or substance abuse may be attributed
to repressed dreams.
And yet relationships are also at risk by coming out As mentioned
earlier, not all partners will tolerate the disclosure that their
loved one is not the man they married or, worse, that they are some kind of pervert. (What will
the neighbours think?) But that's not the only problem. A partner may
initially accept the disclosure and this is often a relief to the crossdresser.
There is, however, a real risk that they may push the limits too far.
Like the proverbial kid in a candy store, they want it all and want it now. The
act of coming out too fast can be a danger in itself and some partners
will turn from an initial positive position to a negative one if it is not handled
well.
Another problem from coming out too fast is the temptation to rush
along the path to gender transition too quickly. While it may seem a
natural thing to do at the time, a more considered decision may result in less collateral
damage to family and friends and hopefully avoiding an irreversible
mistake.
But for most crossdressers, the turning point of coming out is a very
important event in their lives as they move towards a more contented
and relaxed existence. Support groups like the Seahorse Society aim to turn dreams
into reality for our sister souls out there. I love to see
crossdressers on their first outing; they are so high on the experience. But while it may be
a high point in one's life, it can also be a bit of an anti-climax.
The thought often going through your mind that everyone in the world will be waiting for
you to walk out the door and you will create a big scene wherever you
go. In reality, unless your appearance is attention grabbing, most people just ignore
you.
Passing
Passing is important to most crossdressers. This is the ability to
"get away with it". To pass in public means to be accepted as a woman
and many crossdressers will go to a lot of trouble with their appearance to
make themselves more believable - to pass. Crossdressers' ability to
pass depends on how much effort they put into their appearance and also on physical
attributes which are hard to disguise such as size, shape, body hair,
skin condition, voice etc. Many experienced crossdressers will say that passing is more
about self-confidence than anything else. Individually many members of
the Seahorse Society do go out and pass in public with relative ease. Or if they
are read, most people will be too polite to make any fuss about it.
Some are luckier or more determined and they will pass easier than others. However in the
end it's more about how comfortable you feel about yourself than what
other people think.
Going out in a group with other crossdressers is a different story and
the likelihood of being read very much increases proportionately to
the number of members in the group. The gender illusion becomes harder to pull off
in numbers. Many of our public functions are held with the realisation
that we are a social group of crossdressers who are out to enjoy themselves rather
than trying to pretend we are a group of larger than life women with
deeper voices.
Summary
With all these problems, who would want to be a crossdresser?
Experience indicates that there is no cure but interestingly enough,
most crossdressers when asked if they would take a cure for being a crossdresser, will say no.
Most feel that they have something special, despite the problems.
Treating transgendered people with aversion therapy has failed, efforts by
women to correct the miscreant behaviour of their crossdressing
partners have also consistently failed, although many men will agree to curb their
behaviour for the sake of the relationship. Ultimately though, the
desire never dies.
The most effective treatment is understanding and communication. As a
group we accept that we are what we are and we prefer to celebrate
this rather than mourn it. Hopefully the rest of the world will one day be more
accepting of us and the negative feelings instilled by years of hiding
and misunderstanding will gradually evaporate.
Polare is published in Australia by The Gender Centre Inc. which is funded by the Department of Community Services under
the SAAP Program and supported by the NSW Health Department through the AIDS and Infectious Diseases Branch. Polare provides a forum for discussion
and debate on gender issues. Advertisers are advised that all advertising is their responsibility under the Trade Practices Act. Unsolicited
contributions are welcome, though no guarantee is made by the Editor that they will be published, nor any discussion entered into. The editor
reserves the right to edit such contributions without notification. Any submission which appears in Polare may be published on our internet site.
Opinions expressed in this publication do not necessarily reflect those of the Editor, The Gender Centre Inc., the Department of Community Services
of the NSW Department of Health.
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