My Locus of Control

by Andrew James Blair

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Have read the stories which other transmen have written and thought I would add my own.

My story is different from others that I have read in that it involve a fight with my Own Shadow which I overcame with the help of my Alter-ego Francis. Now of course this is what happens with every one of us. I suppose the difference is is that for most of my life I have lived in the world of my imagination wherein I made over the world to suit the fact that firstly I believed myself to be a lover of other Women and only with the death of my Father in 1997 did I finally realise that I am a guy, and a trysexual Guy, to borrow Sean's words. The reason I did as I did was simply that I could not accept my difference!

The most exciting part about all of this is that finally I stopped living in my own world & now live in this one. I am including another one of my Blank Verses with this e-mail and would welcome the opportunity to explain further if you think that it might help someone out there.

All of my life I have been the slave of convention & conformity, that is when I was actually living or acting in this world at all. Even my so called belief in God was chained to the mores and tenets of this world. This was to such a great degree that I found it impossible to think for myself or even at times to act for myself.

My journey to manhood has meant far more for me than recognising & being the man I am it has also meant the liberation of my consciousness and of my relationship with the world its designer and all the people within it.

These days Francis (my alter-ego) is a fond reminder that my salvation was an androgyny of my own creation.

Though I no longer need to enact the day with him before I venture out to act. I will never be able to forget that for most of my life I did just that. There were times when I was literally paralysed with fright with the enormity of all I am, simply because I am different.

Of course we are all different, there are no two people alike. But I experienced my difference as something terrible, horrible, something for which I would be condemned into outer darkness by the god of convention.

Now this is not the case because I have managed to over-turn my consciousness and free myself from the Social Consciousnes which enslaved me and gain my own which, at last allows me to think for myself.

- Andrew James Blair.

My Locus of Control

To determine the Locus of Control for me: was to unlock my Manhood.
This lifelong war seems to have fought itself upon Eden's Fields.
The Snake, the Apple, the Key, and the Cross-have all stood within me.
Yet, until I determined that it was I myself who held the Key, then it was I myself which hung upon that tree. I myself who wished to lie dead in that unknown tomb.
I am not Christ, but in the fear and loathing of myself l sought to offer that same Self as sacrifice to drive out the fear and doubt.
O, Eden's Fields. It was there that l prayed I would awaken with the dawn to become the Adam. The first One on Earth.
And so remove all future pain for men who are Eftomen, and women who are Emto'men and not as they seem to be.
For I Eftomen, would he the model for all future men, as would Emto'men Eve model all future women.
All was and is in vain once the Serpent came to call with granny's Smith and all the rest to deprive me of my dream.
This very part of me is mine to redeem and cannot be foisted upon the Fields of Eden nor upon any other shore but mine.
With God's help, I have the Locus of Control and for me alone and with Her help is to redeem this man in me and to let Him walk tall upon this Earth.
Mine is the Key, I am the door, into the door of my heart, I have placed the key, and now I have walked out into the streets of this World in my best suit.
"I am crucified with Christ; nevertheless I live yet it is not I that live but Christ who lives within me!" So the triumphant Scripture reads.
Yet, if this depressed mind of mine is alive, pray what is it to die? For surely I am here too! Manhood does not banish the ills.
Manhood does not banish the ills hut rather gathers in all the chills that Life has to offer.
I am the same as ever I was yet I am different.
I place different importance upon the act of attaining work. For with all due respect:- Work has become a sign of Manhood for me.
It is a sign to me that I am a man that I have Woman for Wife.
She is Emto'men.
Efto and Emto: We live together in Darling's Hurst and begin to mark our place in our New World.
Yet still I have not gained my locus of control since the same old daemons batter me the same old distance around the Town. I am not changed simply freed and gaining honesty.
God has become for me the God of everywhere as anywhere and everywhere I seek Him. She is in the wind and the shower which cleanses me. Even within the stones of the Sacred Heart Church is He.
Efto and Emto, we married ourselves at the Chapel Wayside, before all our friends, most importantly, it was God who held our hands there and placed the rings upon our fingers there. God in me and God in Jess and God in every one else there!!
In taking up the reigns of my life I have learned to set God free from the mouths of Men & Women who would imprison me in the cage of my own conscience.
It is not I who live but Christ who lives within me!

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